Quitting Again After Pregnancy Loss: Seeking Support

Hey guys,

So, here I am again, staring down the barrel of yet another attempt to quit. It feels like I've been here a million times before, you know? The cycle of wanting to quit, trying to quit, maybe even succeeding for a little while, and then…bam! Right back where I started. It's frustrating, it's exhausting, and honestly, it's a little embarrassing. I mean, how many times can one person try to quit something before they actually, you know, quit? But this time, something feels different. Maybe it's the rock bottom I hit last week, maybe it's the fear in my partner's eyes when they found me, or maybe it's just the sheer, bone-deep weariness I feel. Whatever it is, it's pushing me to try again, to really try this time.

This journey, though, it’s not just about quitting. There's this whole other layer to it, this heavy weight I've been carrying around. It's the pregnancy loss we experienced a while back. It’s strange, how grief can weave its way into everything, isn't it? It’s like a shadow that stretches across every corner of your life, making everything just a little bit darker. I find myself wondering if this need to quit, this constant cycle, is somehow tangled up in that grief. Like I’m trying to fill a hole, or numb a pain that just won’t go away. Has anyone else felt that way? Like one struggle is just a mask for something deeper?

I've been doing some thinking, some real soul-searching, and I’ve realized that I need to approach this quit attempt differently. I can't just rely on willpower this time. Willpower is great, but it's like a muscle – it gets tired, it gets strained, and sometimes, it just gives out. I need a plan, a strategy, a whole arsenal of tools to fight this thing. I'm thinking about finally reaching out to a therapist, maybe joining a support group. I’ve always been a bit hesitant about those things, you know? It feels like admitting defeat, like saying I can’t handle this on my own. But honestly, I’m tired of trying to handle it on my own. I need help, and there’s no shame in that.

I’m also trying to be more mindful of my triggers. What are the situations, the emotions, the thoughts that make me want to go back? Is it stress? Is it boredom? Is it that feeling of emptiness that creeps in when I’m alone with my thoughts? Identifying these triggers is like mapping out the battlefield, figuring out where the enemy is most likely to attack. And once I know where they are, I can start building up my defenses. I'm thinking of creating a little “emergency kit” – a box filled with things that can distract me, comfort me, or just remind me why I’m doing this. Maybe it’ll have a favorite book, a calming tea, a list of reasons to stay strong, photos of loved ones, a journal to pour out my feelings… things like that. What do you guys do to cope when things get tough?

And then there’s the self-care piece. I know, I know, it sounds so cliché, right? Self-care is the buzzword of the decade. But honestly, I’ve been neglecting myself for so long. I’ve been so focused on fighting this battle, on trying to “fix” myself, that I’ve forgotten to just be kind to myself. I’ve been eating terribly, not sleeping enough, and basically living like a stressed-out, sleep-deprived zombie. So, I’m making a conscious effort to change that. I’m going to start cooking healthy meals again, going for walks in nature, maybe even trying meditation. I know it sounds like a tall order, but I deserve to feel good, to feel healthy, to feel…alive. Has anyone found self-care to be a game-changer in their journey?

This whole thing, it’s a process, isn’t it? It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. There will be good days and bad days, moments of triumph and moments of crushing defeat. There will be times when I feel like I’m on top of the world, and times when I feel like I’m drowning. And that’s okay. Because I’m human. I’m allowed to struggle, I’m allowed to stumble, I’m allowed to feel weak. But I’m also allowed to get back up, to keep fighting, to keep moving forward. And that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to keep trying, keep learning, keep growing. I'm sharing this here, partly because it helps to put it out there, to make it real. But also, because this community has been such a source of support and inspiration for me. Knowing that I’m not alone in this, that there are others who understand, it makes a huge difference. So, thank you. Thank you for being here, for listening, for sharing your own stories. It means more than you know.

I’ll keep you guys updated on how it’s going. Wish me luck!