Narcissists: Nice To Strangers, Mean To You? The Reason Why

Have you ever wondered why some people, especially those with narcissistic tendencies, can be incredibly charming to strangers but treat their loved ones poorly? It's a perplexing and painful experience, and if you're dealing with it, you're not alone. In this article, we'll delve into the fascinating and often frustrating world of narcissistic behavior to understand why this happens and how to cope with it.

The Dual Faces of Narcissism

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a complex mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. It's crucial to understand that not everyone who displays narcissistic traits has NPD, but these traits can still significantly impact relationships.

One of the most confusing aspects of dealing with someone with narcissistic traits is their ability to be incredibly charming and kind to people outside their inner circle. You might see them being polite to the waiter, generous to a charity, or friendly with a neighbor. Yet, behind closed doors, they might be critical, dismissive, or even abusive towards their family members. This dual behavior can leave you feeling confused, invalidated, and questioning your own reality. It's like they have two faces: one for the public and one for those closest to them.

Why do they do this? The answer lies in the core needs and fears of a narcissist. Narcissists often have a fragile ego and a deep-seated fear of inadequacy. They crave admiration and validation from others to bolster their self-esteem. When interacting with strangers or people they want to impress, they are on their best behavior, presenting a charming and likable facade. This "mask" helps them gain the admiration and attention they crave. The key here is control and image management. In public, they are very aware of how they appear and actively work to maintain a positive image. This external validation is crucial to their sense of self-worth. They need to be seen as successful, intelligent, and kind by the outside world, as this reinforces their grandiose self-image. It's a performance, a carefully crafted persona designed to elicit a specific response.

However, with family members or intimate partners, they often drop this facade. This is because they feel they have already "won" you over, or they see you as a constant source of supply for their narcissistic needs. In these closer relationships, they may feel entitled to treat you poorly, knowing you are less likely to leave or challenge them publicly. They feel safer showing their true colors, as they believe you are less likely to judge them harshly or expose their vulnerabilities to the world. This is where the belittling and humiliation can surface. It's not that they're incapable of being nice; it's that they choose not to be with those they feel most secure with. The effort required to maintain the charming facade is exhausting, and with close relationships, they often feel they no longer need to exert that effort.

The Nasty Old Prick: Why the Behavior Persists

As the user mentioned, their father continues to exhibit nasty behavior even in his 80s. This raises an important point about the longevity of narcissistic traits. Personality disorders, including NPD, are deeply ingrained patterns of behavior that are difficult to change. While therapy can help, many individuals with NPD are resistant to seeking help because they don't believe they have a problem. They often see their behavior as justified or even necessary. The idea that they might be flawed or need to change is a threat to their fragile ego.

In older age, these traits can become even more pronounced. The defenses and coping mechanisms they've used throughout their lives become more rigid. There may be a lifetime of resentment and bitterness that fuels their negativity. The loss of control that often comes with aging can also exacerbate narcissistic traits. They may become more demanding, irritable, and prone to lashing out. The fear of losing their independence and the sense of control over their lives can manifest as increased aggression and negativity towards those closest to them.

The fact that the father is nice to strangers but belittling to family members is a classic sign of narcissistic behavior. It highlights the performative nature of their kindness. It's not genuine empathy or warmth; it's a calculated display to maintain a positive image. The postman and other strangers don't see the private face, the one that is critical and demeaning. This disparity can be incredibly painful for the family members who experience the brunt of their negativity. It can lead to feelings of worthlessness, confusion, and resentment. Why are they so nice to everyone else but not to me? This question can haunt you and erode your self-esteem.

The Belittling and Humiliation Tactic

Belittling and humiliation are common tactics used by narcissists to maintain control and boost their self-esteem. By putting others down, they elevate themselves. It's a way to feel superior and in charge. This behavior can take many forms, from subtle digs and sarcastic remarks to outright verbal abuse. They may criticize your appearance, your intelligence, your abilities, or your choices. The goal is to undermine your confidence and make you feel inadequate. When you feel small, they feel big. This dynamic is crucial to understanding the cycle of abuse.

Narcissists often target those closest to them with this behavior because they know your vulnerabilities. They know what buttons to push to get a reaction. They may use your insecurities against you or bring up past mistakes to make you feel ashamed. This is a deliberate attempt to control you through emotional manipulation. The unpredictability of their behavior is also a form of control. You never know when the next attack will come, so you're constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering their anger. This creates a climate of fear and anxiety, further reinforcing their power over you.

It's important to recognize that this behavior is not a reflection of your worth. It's a reflection of their own insecurities and need for control. You are not the problem; their behavior is the problem. Understanding this distinction is the first step in breaking free from the cycle of abuse.

Coping Strategies and Setting Boundaries

Dealing with a narcissistic parent or family member can be emotionally exhausting and damaging. It's essential to develop coping strategies to protect your mental and emotional health. One of the most important things you can do is to set boundaries. Boundaries are limits you set on what behavior you will and will not accept from others. This might mean limiting contact with the person, refusing to engage in arguments, or ending conversations when they become abusive. Setting boundaries is not about trying to change the other person; it's about protecting yourself.

Here are some practical tips for setting boundaries:

• Be clear and direct: State your boundaries assertively and without apology. For example, "I will not tolerate being spoken to in that way. If you continue to yell, I will end this conversation."
• Be consistent: Enforce your boundaries every time they are crossed. This is crucial for establishing your limits and sending a clear message that you will not be manipulated.
• Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain): Narcissists often try to argue or negotiate boundaries. Resist the urge to justify your boundaries. You don't need to explain or defend your decisions. A simple "No" is a complete sentence.
• Focus on your own behavior: You can't control how someone else behaves, but you can control how you respond. If they cross a boundary, calmly remove yourself from the situation.
• Seek support: Talking to a therapist, support group, or trusted friend can provide you with validation and strategies for coping with the situation.

Another important coping strategy is to validate your own feelings. When someone consistently invalidates your emotions, it can lead to self-doubt and confusion. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid, even if the other person tries to dismiss them. Trust your own instincts and intuition. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

It's also crucial to practice self-care. Dealing with a narcissist can be incredibly stressful, so it's important to prioritize your own well-being. Make time for activities you enjoy, such as exercise, hobbies, or spending time with supportive friends. Taking care of your physical and emotional needs will help you build resilience and cope with the challenges of the relationship.

Seeking Professional Help

If you're struggling to cope with a narcissistic parent or family member, seeking professional help can be invaluable. A therapist can provide you with support, guidance, and coping strategies. They can also help you process your emotions and heal from the emotional abuse you may have experienced. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and develop healthy coping mechanisms. A therapist can also help you identify patterns of abuse and develop strategies for setting boundaries and protecting yourself.

In conclusion, understanding narcissistic behavior is crucial for protecting yourself from emotional abuse. The duality of their behavior – being charming to strangers while belittling loved ones – is a key characteristic of narcissism. It's not that they are incapable of being nice; it's that they choose to be nice when it serves their needs. Recognizing this pattern and setting boundaries are essential steps in reclaiming your emotional well-being. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. You are not responsible for their behavior, and you are not alone in this struggle. Seeking support from a therapist or support group can provide you with the tools and validation you need to heal and thrive.